Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Only In Dreams....

(Photo courtesy of my wonderful brother, Billy)

My Dad, Jack, died on July 1st, 2005. He was 60 years old and he was surrounded by family. his final hours were very quiet and filled with loving words. The hospice workers were wonderful to us and to him. My brother and his wife, who are both nurses, took care of him in the last few weeks of his life, so he always had personal care. My sisters all were there with him, and in the final week, my mother (his ex-wife) as well. Everyone kept saying they felt he was waiting for me. I felt i'd said my goodbyes to him on Father's day. But i guess he felt otherwise. i got to his house Friday the 1st at 6:30 pm. I went in and held his hand and talked to him. I thanked him for taking care of us for so many years since he'd come into our lives. For making my mom happy again. for giving me my little sister, Colleen. For being there for me when i felt alone. For understanding what it's like to be manic depressive and for letting me talk to him about it. well, i could not say all those things, so it was just Thank You over and over again.
He passed away around 11pm. We were all just sitting, talking quietly and my brother went to check Dad's pulse. He called to his wife to tell her first and then told the rest of us Dad was gone.

Gone. it still has not sunk in. the wake is over. the funeral is done. His body is in the ground.
And my brain is still thinking "i'm going to tell Dad this about the Baby, and about the new apartment being near a beach blah blah blah" But i can't. I can sit at his grave and tell him stuff. Or maybe just talk. Or maybe he'll visit in dreams.

i did not get to spend half as much time as i wished i could have with him. But i miss him so much it breaks my heart. My sister-in-law, Jenny said so many beautiful things the night he died..the one that sits with me the most is as we sat around his body crying and praying, thanking God he was at peace, she turned to me and said "Just think, Jenne, your Dad was the first one to meet your baby!! He get's to meet it after all!". And i truly believe that and find so much peace and joy in that.

I have to stop typing now. i can't see the screen too well.


Anonymous Becky (nickel234) said...

That is a very calming thought, isn't it? To know that he's met your baby and will get to know him/her before you! I bet when it's born, and grows, that you'll see all sorts of traits of your father's in that sweet child! It's also such a bittersweet reminder that life goes on and the circle is neverending, right? There's no proper amount of time to grieve, only your heart can let you know, but there are things to look forward to and be happy about. I'm sure your dad would want you to do that! You now have another guardian angel taking care of you and your loved ones!

4:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can never remember if I have an account on here or not.

In any case, *HUGS*

4:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, that last comment was from me. I forgot to sign it.

Sandy the Dinkus.

4:29 PM  
Blogger JEW said...

I love you Jenne!

10:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

we still have both our sets of parents, doug and i. our kids are getting to experience them in ways we never had a chance to, because they were too busy raising us. i see a lot of my father in law and my mom in my son. his smile, his hair, his eyes, his thin lips, his stubbornness... if i didn't have my parents, geoff would be a constant reminder of his grandfolks.

good luck with your pregnancy and moving through the process of your loss.

beautiful entry. glad i came by

10:33 AM  
Anonymous Michele said...

Oh Jenne.. I am so, so very sorry for your loss. And how very lucky to have experienced such love. If there's anything I can do, please let me know.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Jesse said...

That photo is priceless. I am sure that is why you chose it. There must be wonderful memories that go along with it.
Once again, I send my condolences, and I hope that as time goes on, you will be more and more able to simply remember the good times!


2:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

did you post about this on your lj? i cant recall.

in any case, Jenne...you are a wonderful beautiful soul and i'm glad that you got to be with him in his last moments.

and the thought of him being the first to meet your little one, that's just cool.


2:59 PM  

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