Friday, July 29, 2005

thing that happened yesterday

i left work in a cloud of uncertainty last night but kept my head up and headed to Copley to meet Michael for the free Aimee Mann show. it was a gorgeous evening. i had some free stuff given to me by Batman and Robin. i talked to a guy trying to get people to sponsor foreign chilren in poverty. i took his info, but i had fun talking to him about music because he did not know who Aimee Mann is. Mike got there are we found a spot to settle in and enjoy the show. Aimee is very good live, i like her songs but she has the ability to make me cry. the Magnolia songs. she was great. i saw a man who from behind looked just like my Dad and i wanted to run over and hug him. it was very sad. i saw a cute baby. it smelled like pee a lot all over the area. we went to have some supper at a Fridays. i had a small steak, it was good.we went on the T to go home and when we arrived at PArk Street, we were told that the Red Line was not running any more that night. the Red Line is how we get home. my mind starts panicking. we are directed to the street level to get on shuttle buses but there are just a thousand people milling about, upset, and no direction from T people. just buses showing up, people getting on them, and going away. i start getting upset and begin to cry, worried that terrorists have arrived in Boston. my mind keeps asking 'why can't we get on the train??' i just break down in tears and Mike calms me down. a little while later T people are telling us that people needing t go to Braintree and Ashmont can go down to the train and go home. so we head downstairs. we see a train on the platform across from us. two cars are separated and there are a bunch of people just looking down at the tracks, shaking thier heads. i begin to tear up because suddenly i realize that someone must have fallen and got run over by the train. I say it out loud to Mike and he says something to the effect of he didn't think it was just someone falling, but someone may have jumped in front of the train. i'm thinking about how if it was someone jumping, how sad that they felt that their life was not worth living. and how many times i've felt like doing that. the T people are trying to keep people from seeing what was going on. i could not look. Mike saw a bag of sawdust or something and i said 'it's for the blood'. we get on our train and i cry the whole way home. my heart felt broken. i don't even know what happened, but i felt so sad for whomever was on those tracks. fallen or jumper. i remembered living in New York, with my sister and working this horrid job with the crazy lady in the Empire State Building. how i would look at the tracks and think how easy it would be. but how i would mess up other people's lives. or looking out my window in the Empire State and wish i could jump from that giant window without hurting anyone else. and i thought that if this person jumped in front of the train to Alewife, how sad they were feeling. they must have been hurting so much. and i wished them peace where ever they are now. and how much i understood thier sadness.

i know i'm going to make it. my brain makes sense more often than not. i have so many more reasons to live now. my son or daughter is going to be a happy baby and if they end up having what i have i swear i will do everything possible to help them feel better than i did.
and thanks for the words you all have sent to me in support of everything happening lately.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

photos from Dad, by way of Bill.

My brother sent me a great cd of photos he got from our Dad's computer. There are some from our childhood, and some from recent times. i decided to put them here to share with you all.

This is me and my sister Colleen. she is about 2, and i am 11 years old.

A great shot of Daddy in the "no beard" years :)

Our beautiful home in Peconic, Long Island, NY - it looked great years round but the snow is my favorite.

The five siblings on an Easter Sunday i think 1980.i'm the tall one in the bad hat.

Mom and Dad in thier sexxxy bathing gear. this was in our backyard in Medford, LI, NY.

Friday, July 15, 2005

my babies!

Priddie and Symon were both 'CUTE CAT OF THE DAY' on 7/11/05 and 7/14/05

i am a proud mommie! Imagine what it will be like when i have the Baaaaaby!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Only In Dreams....

(Photo courtesy of my wonderful brother, Billy)

My Dad, Jack, died on July 1st, 2005. He was 60 years old and he was surrounded by family. his final hours were very quiet and filled with loving words. The hospice workers were wonderful to us and to him. My brother and his wife, who are both nurses, took care of him in the last few weeks of his life, so he always had personal care. My sisters all were there with him, and in the final week, my mother (his ex-wife) as well. Everyone kept saying they felt he was waiting for me. I felt i'd said my goodbyes to him on Father's day. But i guess he felt otherwise. i got to his house Friday the 1st at 6:30 pm. I went in and held his hand and talked to him. I thanked him for taking care of us for so many years since he'd come into our lives. For making my mom happy again. for giving me my little sister, Colleen. For being there for me when i felt alone. For understanding what it's like to be manic depressive and for letting me talk to him about it. well, i could not say all those things, so it was just Thank You over and over again.
He passed away around 11pm. We were all just sitting, talking quietly and my brother went to check Dad's pulse. He called to his wife to tell her first and then told the rest of us Dad was gone.

Gone. it still has not sunk in. the wake is over. the funeral is done. His body is in the ground.
And my brain is still thinking "i'm going to tell Dad this about the Baby, and about the new apartment being near a beach blah blah blah" But i can't. I can sit at his grave and tell him stuff. Or maybe just talk. Or maybe he'll visit in dreams.

i did not get to spend half as much time as i wished i could have with him. But i miss him so much it breaks my heart. My sister-in-law, Jenny said so many beautiful things the night he died..the one that sits with me the most is as we sat around his body crying and praying, thanking God he was at peace, she turned to me and said "Just think, Jenne, your Dad was the first one to meet your baby!! He get's to meet it after all!". And i truly believe that and find so much peace and joy in that.

I have to stop typing now. i can't see the screen too well.