Wednesday, February 16, 2005

today's feelings

it's february 16th and i feel many feelings at once. i feel angry and stressed and sad and hurt and tired. my mind is racing a bit. i have to come to work everyday but somedays i can't think enough and i can't begin to get things done i want to do. my hands and feet get weird and shaky.

i feel angry about people who do things to hurt the people they don't like. people who lie and tell stories just to make others not like a person. this causes many things. this can cause people to go off the deep end and decide to kill themselves. this can cost people thier jobs. this hurts more than just that one person. i've had it happen to me. i lost friends. i know i've lost friends by being bipolar. i know there are people that treat me COMPLETELY differently now. there are those that don't even speak to me any more. there were people that alienated me, and then friends told me the 'stories' about me that were being told, and that hurt me even more..and that began the longest depression i've ever been in, where i contemplated suicide ona daily basis, concocting ways where maybe no one would find me , or would not care. but there was always those that have always stood by me. those whose faces would come to me as i decided wether or not to drive off a bridge on my way home from work. and i am so thankful for those people that decided to stay friends with me even though i was 'weird' or 'strange' or 'touchy'.

that's all for now. that's all i can get out today.

2 Comments:

Blogger morgan said...

i'm so grateful to have you as a friend, jenne.

everytime things get shitty, i think about the few wonderful people like you that i have in my life and it makes it okay again.

2:09 PM  
Anonymous Becky (nickel234) said...

I csn't begin to imagine losing friends over something like being bi-polar. But I know it happens. I'm sure everyone loses "friends" over something just as stupid, but it's God's way of protecting us (despite the hurt it sometimes causes) and helping us move forward unhindered by people that would otherwise hold us back from great things.

Depression, I'm really learning as I start to fight my own battle with it, is so common and it's amazing how many stories are so similar to each other. It sad and yet comforting to know that one is not alone with this disease. I'm glad that I've "met" you, Jenne. Thanks for letting me read your blog.

4:28 PM  

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