Wednesday, February 09, 2005

re-creating my blog

**note** due to circumstances beyond my control, i had deleted the previous blog here.
it is lost and gone forever. i managed to save some, and they will be the first few posts you read here. Thank you for reading.

She's a Brick.

((Note to reader: i wrote this on December 13, 2003. it is my first writing to help me through the rougher parts in my life))

i love Ben folds, with or without the five.he makes me think a lot about things i hide inside me.i love him for writing 'Brick" because it shows what a good guy he was to his girlfriend when they got pregnant.How supportive, and trying to be there and help her through the shit she had to go through, and you realize the male point of view of the situation. as opposed to what happened to me.

****WARNING****and if you know the song, you know what happened to me. if you don't, it's called abortion, and if you have a problem with that, i am sorry. don't read any further.

it happened ten years was Memorial day and my brother Bill and i went to a party, in Southold, ny, where we had gone to high school. We met up with a bunch of people we both graduated with, and we all went to one of the infamous parties at Horton's lighthouse. these parties were massive, fun, drunken gatherings because none of us really had anything else to do. i never really attended them in high school, because i liked my world of music, art and my little group of friends.everyone at this party was so overjoyed that i'd gone. i was 24 at the time, and well, it was just nice to see these people i'd never really known in HS.

One in particular, was a nice guy i always liked cause he was a musician, and we were having such a great night. we spoke of so much and it was just so cool. i'd been dying for a friend to talk to about music and he kept bringing me more and more drinks, and then he asked if i wanted to go to this other part of the beach.i remember getting into the car, and waking up in the morning, in the car, missing my shoes and sockings and underwear.he was sleeping in the front seat and i wake him, asking him what the hell happened.he just laughed and said 'don't worry, you had a great time'. i yelled and cried and just left the car. i got myself together, and went back and asked him,'did you at least use something?' he said yes, of course! (my aunt had recently died of AIDS and i was so scared). i made him take me to the local 7-11 where i called my friend to pick me up.i tell her what happened, and i just could not believe that i would have slept with someone i hardly knew, and while drunk.. and i didn't think i was *that* drunk...i was a big drinker back then , with a high tolerance, not to mention, i'd only slept with one person at that point in my life. i decided to just wash it off, i was an idiot and just to move on with my world.

then my world exploded two weeks dear period, which was NEVER late, was late.and i knew, i KNEW that fucker had inpregnated me.

i waited two more weeks, praying, crying, talking to my two best friends, Karin and Meri, who told me they'd be there.i tried calling the Guy numerous times. everytime he'd blow me off.then i went for the test. and it was positive. and i knew what i wanted to was selfish, yes. in some circles, i am a murderer. but i did not want to have a child when i knew that:A-the father was (i found out) a supposed drug addict.b-i was not mentally stable to me a mother.c-i was not able to carry a child AND give it i contacted the Guy once again, to tell him what was going on. he once again did not return my calls.

i decide to tell my mom.

My awesome, strong, fabulous, beautiful mom. She promised me she'd take care of me, and do whatever i decided.i feel so bad i did not give her grandchild back then when i see how badly she wants one now, and how bad the odds look for me giving her one, ever.she ended up trying to call the Guy and ask him for half the money to help me out.his MOM ended up talking to my mom...telling her what was going on. after my mom explained to her the situation, she told her she'd come over our house.she came over and wrote me a check, and apologized that her son was such an asshole, and if i needed anything, she'd help me out

then my dear friend Jenny gave me the other half to help me out.Thanks Jenny.

my mom took me, along with my aunt. three days later i was in the back of my brothers buddies car and i moved away from that place. the news had spread all over town..and i was going through hell because of it. In some ways it was a gift. i got the hell out of that crappy place. i got to go somewhere new. and i got to be much closer with my awesome brother.(thanks Billy)

i went home years later and had to deal with him in line at the supermarket.where he was so nonchalant and tried to make conversation. it took every ounce of my being not to punch him. Him with his three children and me with the memories i have to hold with me forever. the guilt i have to hide and cry about alone. the guilt of what i did, when if maybe he'd have called me, or just said 'i'm sorry' or ANYTHING it would have maybe helped me.this is ten years inside me, and hardly anyone knows this about me.but if i didn't write it out today, i might just cry myself into oblivion.i'm thankful for my friends that took care of me, for my Mommy, and Billy.and i thank Ben for writing that song and for making me cry a million times, but in a good way.

and thanks, Ben Folds, for being a real man.


Anonymous Becky said...

I swear I'm not going to respond to every post! :)

This one was so touching. I hope that doesn't sound too creepy considering the content of it. But to see your family around you and supporting you. And the doubt of what you did, due to the fact you didn't think you'd be able to have kids. And now look! There's a reason for everything. Moving away, led you to the spot you are today, and you seem to be in such a good one. I often look back that the tragedies I've had in my life and see how it all made a sequence of events unfold that led me to this wonderful life I'm living, now. And your experience both makes you stronger and gives you empathy for others that may be facing the same terrible situation. Who knows how you'll end up helping someone else....possibly without you knowing about it!

4:39 PM  

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