Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Lost and Gone Forvever

(note to readers: this was written by me on 12/28/04)

and so why should i worry?
why should i care?
why do i need to explain my life to
those who rant and rage at me
about my choices and my life's path????

i don't care.
not anymore.

because no matter what ANYONE says, I, Jenne, know i am on thecorrect path. I have fought a lot with my mind for many years. i have beaten myself up. i have put hands through windows, walls,myself. i have mapped out suicide plans and cried through it. i have driven over bridges and mountains thinking how easily i could off myself. But then the people come into my head. the voices. My voices AND the ones i love. The ones that love me. and the voices all fight. and then i pull over and cry.Last November i really wanted it to be over. and i had to go pick up Colleen to get her new NYPD uniforms. i had to drive to Manhattan to pick her up. but i was scared i would not make it. So i brought her doggie, Nico with me. i felt with Nico there, and then with Colleen in the car, nothing bad would happen. But then a lady in a jeep cherokee smashed into my driver side door. she went right through a stop sign. and if my awesome car was not so wonderfully designed, i'd be really smushed or dead. the lady in the jeep ran out of her car, smacking my window calling me an idiot and stupid fucking idiot. i was crying hysterically because i was afraid Colleen and Nico were hurt. Colleen was in her Police Academy uniform, and was out of the car, with Nico, directing things and being a cop. she went after the woman and told her to get away and calm down. it was scary. it was hard. i kept getting scared that maybe i *had* done it on purpose. it was scaring me so bad. i kept telling the firemen i didn't mean to do it. they kept telling me that eyewitnesses told them it was the other lady's fault. it took me two weeks to feel ok again. it's taken me this long to really be ok about it.

This year has been the year of realization. of real love. of really being more true to ME. for Jenne to take the time to take care of her head, her heart and her health. and i am still doing it. i still have the feelings. i still hear the voices. but i am going to keep fighting the 'Demons', as my therapist calls them.

2 Comments:

Blogger moodymicello said...

Jenne, is your psychiatrist working to find medication which will help with the voices? or is that not possible? I have them once in awhile usually when I am in a terribly manic state. Can you relate them to a certain mood? The good news is that you are taking the attitude of loving Jenne..that is a good start.

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Becky said...

It's amazing that we can contemplate ending our lives, but yet when an accident occurs that could have caused us to have it ended, we're so scared and relieved that we're fine. I never cease to be surprised by that emotion when I'm out driving around, myself.

4:31 PM  

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