Monday, August 22, 2005

A tale of a Few Kitties.

in 1996 i adopted a 2 month old kitten and was told it was a boy. upon getting into the car and holding it in my lap, i noticed he was a she. at that time, the song 'Molly' by Sponge came onto the radio and that became her name.
Mollie joined me and my 3 year old orange tabby Wolfgang Amadeus Meowtzart in our tiny home in Cutchogue, LI, NY. a year later, we moved to Brooklyn and Mollie turned out to be pregnant. she had kittens, and we kept one of them. His name became Texx, named by my roomie at the time, Muffin. over the course ofanother few months, one of my roomies let Wolfgang out of the apartment and I found him on our street, dead a few weeks later. Heartbroken and angry, i found out the person who had let Wolfie out was my ex boyfriend Max who was still living there. That was the final straw.We asked him to leave. He moved out, and Muffin and i moved on as well.
At this place in my life i had met a special person, my ex-husband Greg. we had both just gotten out of very long relationships and i think we just found eachother at the right time, to not be lonely and found a very fast friendship forming that had a lot of love in it as well. i went back home to Long Island and moved into my aunt Rose's place.Greg took Mollie and Texx into his place, and a few months later we were engaged and moved intoa nice apartment in Greenport, NY.
My friend Scott, a really nice but very sad and lost soul would come see us once in awhile.He had been Max's best friend but never seemed to be able to be friends with anyone else.he had to leave his parent's house and he had a cat named Merlin, who he claimed was fixed,who needed a home. we took in Merlin. he and Mollie and Texx got along well. Greg and I also hada 3 foot iguana named StanLee at the time. the kitties and STanLee all slept together and even shared a litter box. one day, sadly, Merlin and StanLee ripped open a screen in a window andran away. we never saw Merlin again, but StanLee turned up in a tree and frightened the crapout of our neighbor. He came back into the house and we got some heavy duty screening. :D
Merlin left something behind, however. Mollie was pregnant. I had been saving up to get her spayed but since Merlin was supposedly fixed, i was a little lax about it. i knew it was not Texx.Texx was fixed when he was a kitty still. Greg and i were still happy, because Mollie seemed happy.she purred all the time, was even more of a MUSH. the day i went to buy my wedding dress,the kittens came. i remember her sleeping with me that morning, and I could feel them moving in her tummy, like i feel my baby in my tummy now. who would have known how special these kitties would be to us.
I came back from the dress store, and there they were - 4 perfect, beautiful kitties.Greg had already picked out the one we were keeping and named it Grendel. he said he just knewthat was the kitty he wanted, and i said of course, because the 2 cats we already had were mine.the weeks went by, the kitties grew and became little personalities. Grendel was nothing like her namesake. the other kitties were to be adopted so i did not name them at first. but then i felt bad, so icalled the black and white one Lily, and the male tabby Rufus, and the female tabby Chandler.When it was time to advertise, one family showed up, and it turned out to be a couple i knewvery well from working at The Handy Pantry for years. thier kids came in and held each kitty, anddefintiley wanted Lily. they looked at the other two tabbies, and picked Rufus. The little boylooked at the female tabby and said, "i don't want that one, she's UGLY!!" Horrified, i pickedher up and said, "no, she is not. She is PRETTY!" At that moment, i decided that kitty was going tostay with us and be in our family. And i changed her name from Chandler to Priddie that day.
over the next two years we moved out to the Poconos in Pennsylvania. our four kitty children were a constantdelight in what had become dark times for me. every day i'd come home and all 4 of them would be waiting for me with happy meows. I went to college and got a certificate in Web Design, andbegan working as a pharmacy technician. i worked at a mail-order pharmacy for a couple that i reallyfelt uncomfortable with but i liked the work and the pay was great. One day my boss, Andrea,came in with a cardboard box and disappeared into our kitchen. i heard kitty noises. she came out cursing. i asked what was up. she tells me about this kitten she adopted 4 or so months ago that had been abandoned and she could not deal with it anymore. she said she'd had it declawed and fixed but she felt it was 'psycho' and had to be 'destroyed'. I felt panicked and asked if i could go see the kitty. She said ok and i ran sown to the kitchen. i opened the door and sitting at my feet was thisblack cat, meaowing his little heart out. i reached down, heleapt into my arms and proceededto lick my chin like crazy, purring his brains out. his front paws were around my neck and his eyes cried 'please don't let them kill me'. i pet him for a few minutes, then went back to work.When my boss came into the pharmacy, i told her i would take the cat into my home. she looked at melike i was nuts, knowing i had 4 already. she said 'if you want him, he's all yours'. I found outher daughters called him Symon, so i kept that name. i liked it. i went in every time i had a breakthat day and told him he'd be coming home with me, and everything would be ok. I called Greg and told him the story and he said he'd come get him right then if i wanted, but i told him I wanted to introduce Symon to our household.i brought him home that evening, and while it took some time, he fit into our family nicely.Symon has been more like a son than a pet. he seems to know how i tick and how to be there for me.when things were bad, he would just curl up next to me as i lay on the floor wishing for the strengthto go on with my life, licking my face and hands and burrowing into me, so i knew that he was there.
More time passed by and Greg and I finally decided it was time to end the marriage part of our relationship.we knew that our lives were not meant to be as one and that we had different paths in life.Even though we cared for each other very much, we knew that it was a friendship, nothing more.Upon telling this to my family, my sister Colleen asked me to move to Brooklyn with her.when i did move, we had to decided which kitties would live with who. i knew instantly who wouldcome with me. Mollie, the first of the 'children', Priddie, my special girl, and Symon, the catthat was a best friend. Texxy and Grendel loved Greg and it was obvious they wanted to be with him.
While living in Brooklyn, a few things became very obvious to me. One was that something was wrong with meand i wanted and needed help. But i was so frightened of what could happen i put it off. the other wasthat Mollie was very, very unhappy. she disliked Symon and Priddie as well as my sister's mini-pincser Nico.She wanted to be numero uno. and i could see it was affecting her health. I sadly made the decision to ask my friend Richie to take her. He had just lost his kitty and it was perfect timing. I knew it would beso hard but when she left, Rich said she seemed better that very first day. He ended up moving and hadto find her a new home. She now lives in Philly with a lady named Bobbie who loves her so much. Bobbie writes meemails monthly and sends pictures. i sent her Mollie's kitty book with baby pictures and vet records.I know she is happy and safe for the rest of her days. She just turned 9 years old.
in March of 2004 i realized many things. i found a new home for myself, my kitties and my May i moved north to Boston, MA. I found a sublet apartment but i could only have one cat.i didn't know what to do but my brother Bill and his wife Jenny offered to take Prid becausethey love her so much. So she went to Virginia and Symon came to Boston with Mommie Jenne.
we lived with Tiffany until Spetember and then we moved to our own place. Symon was, as ever,the buddy-son-pet i needed in my life as i built myself up into the woman i am now, and built a strong, solid, loving relationship with Michael. Bill brought Priddie back in October and my babykitties were reunited. when we all moved in together with Michael this past June, i feel like wetruly are a little family, preparing for the arrival of thier human sibling :) I love how Michael took to both kitties, and how they fell in love with him right away.

thanks, as always, for reading.

Monday, August 01, 2005


(the photo is of Goldsmith's Inlet, Peconic, NY. It is the beach near the home of my Dad where we all spent many lovely days going for walks or enjoying the beach.)

even though it's not easy to, i will smile.
Dad died a month ago today and it still hurts just as much.
but on his mass card were the words:
"For my sake, turn again to life and smile"
and I am. i'm doing my best.

that's all i have to say today.

Friday, July 29, 2005

thing that happened yesterday

i left work in a cloud of uncertainty last night but kept my head up and headed to Copley to meet Michael for the free Aimee Mann show. it was a gorgeous evening. i had some free stuff given to me by Batman and Robin. i talked to a guy trying to get people to sponsor foreign chilren in poverty. i took his info, but i had fun talking to him about music because he did not know who Aimee Mann is. Mike got there are we found a spot to settle in and enjoy the show. Aimee is very good live, i like her songs but she has the ability to make me cry. the Magnolia songs. she was great. i saw a man who from behind looked just like my Dad and i wanted to run over and hug him. it was very sad. i saw a cute baby. it smelled like pee a lot all over the area. we went to have some supper at a Fridays. i had a small steak, it was good.we went on the T to go home and when we arrived at PArk Street, we were told that the Red Line was not running any more that night. the Red Line is how we get home. my mind starts panicking. we are directed to the street level to get on shuttle buses but there are just a thousand people milling about, upset, and no direction from T people. just buses showing up, people getting on them, and going away. i start getting upset and begin to cry, worried that terrorists have arrived in Boston. my mind keeps asking 'why can't we get on the train??' i just break down in tears and Mike calms me down. a little while later T people are telling us that people needing t go to Braintree and Ashmont can go down to the train and go home. so we head downstairs. we see a train on the platform across from us. two cars are separated and there are a bunch of people just looking down at the tracks, shaking thier heads. i begin to tear up because suddenly i realize that someone must have fallen and got run over by the train. I say it out loud to Mike and he says something to the effect of he didn't think it was just someone falling, but someone may have jumped in front of the train. i'm thinking about how if it was someone jumping, how sad that they felt that their life was not worth living. and how many times i've felt like doing that. the T people are trying to keep people from seeing what was going on. i could not look. Mike saw a bag of sawdust or something and i said 'it's for the blood'. we get on our train and i cry the whole way home. my heart felt broken. i don't even know what happened, but i felt so sad for whomever was on those tracks. fallen or jumper. i remembered living in New York, with my sister and working this horrid job with the crazy lady in the Empire State Building. how i would look at the tracks and think how easy it would be. but how i would mess up other people's lives. or looking out my window in the Empire State and wish i could jump from that giant window without hurting anyone else. and i thought that if this person jumped in front of the train to Alewife, how sad they were feeling. they must have been hurting so much. and i wished them peace where ever they are now. and how much i understood thier sadness.

i know i'm going to make it. my brain makes sense more often than not. i have so many more reasons to live now. my son or daughter is going to be a happy baby and if they end up having what i have i swear i will do everything possible to help them feel better than i did.
and thanks for the words you all have sent to me in support of everything happening lately.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

photos from Dad, by way of Bill.

My brother sent me a great cd of photos he got from our Dad's computer. There are some from our childhood, and some from recent times. i decided to put them here to share with you all.

This is me and my sister Colleen. she is about 2, and i am 11 years old.

A great shot of Daddy in the "no beard" years :)

Our beautiful home in Peconic, Long Island, NY - it looked great years round but the snow is my favorite.

The five siblings on an Easter Sunday i think 1980.i'm the tall one in the bad hat.

Mom and Dad in thier sexxxy bathing gear. this was in our backyard in Medford, LI, NY.

Friday, July 15, 2005

my babies!

Priddie and Symon were both 'CUTE CAT OF THE DAY' on 7/11/05 and 7/14/05

i am a proud mommie! Imagine what it will be like when i have the Baaaaaby!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Only In Dreams....

(Photo courtesy of my wonderful brother, Billy)

My Dad, Jack, died on July 1st, 2005. He was 60 years old and he was surrounded by family. his final hours were very quiet and filled with loving words. The hospice workers were wonderful to us and to him. My brother and his wife, who are both nurses, took care of him in the last few weeks of his life, so he always had personal care. My sisters all were there with him, and in the final week, my mother (his ex-wife) as well. Everyone kept saying they felt he was waiting for me. I felt i'd said my goodbyes to him on Father's day. But i guess he felt otherwise. i got to his house Friday the 1st at 6:30 pm. I went in and held his hand and talked to him. I thanked him for taking care of us for so many years since he'd come into our lives. For making my mom happy again. for giving me my little sister, Colleen. For being there for me when i felt alone. For understanding what it's like to be manic depressive and for letting me talk to him about it. well, i could not say all those things, so it was just Thank You over and over again.
He passed away around 11pm. We were all just sitting, talking quietly and my brother went to check Dad's pulse. He called to his wife to tell her first and then told the rest of us Dad was gone.

Gone. it still has not sunk in. the wake is over. the funeral is done. His body is in the ground.
And my brain is still thinking "i'm going to tell Dad this about the Baby, and about the new apartment being near a beach blah blah blah" But i can't. I can sit at his grave and tell him stuff. Or maybe just talk. Or maybe he'll visit in dreams.

i did not get to spend half as much time as i wished i could have with him. But i miss him so much it breaks my heart. My sister-in-law, Jenny said so many beautiful things the night he died..the one that sits with me the most is as we sat around his body crying and praying, thanking God he was at peace, she turned to me and said "Just think, Jenne, your Dad was the first one to meet your baby!! He get's to meet it after all!". And i truly believe that and find so much peace and joy in that.

I have to stop typing now. i can't see the screen too well.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

been a long time

since the last time i was here talking
i found out i'm going to be a Mommy.
after years while being married trying
it just happened. a baby, me and Mike
are going to have a baby.
and i'm scared but delighted.
i had to give up my meds that were
helping me stay in my right mind.
i did not feel psycho anymore.
now i have to deal with everything and no meds.
and sometimes i feel like i want to go to sleep and sleep
for five days.
HeadDoctor says i'm doing GREAT.
so does Mike. so does Eve, my therapist.
i'm still scared. what if the baby is like me?

my Dad is dying. he is in his house
on Long Island and lying in bed crying
because he wants to die. he wants it to end.
and it has not yet. i pray that it does end so
he can be at peace. So all the pain goes away.
please, just let it be over soon.

just let go, Dad. please.

my sister Colleen was married on May 6th and Dad walked her down the aisle.
we were glad. it feels like he stayed to be here for that moment.